The Adventures of Long John Silver: The Tale of a Tooth

Long John takes Jim Hawkins to the dentist and regards the "cash only in advance" sign with disdain.

Plot synopsis: Long John has a toothache, and everyone suffers.

Thoughts:

Toothaches used to be the antagonist in many television shows, but not so much these days. I guess that the state of dentistry in the past made people far more reluctant to get their teeth looked after and the idea that someone would tolerate the pain of the ache rather than the agony of the dentist visit had verisimilitude. I recall that a toothache was a storyline (or part of one) in many of the television comedies of the 70's that I watched as a child (including M*A*S*H).

When Long John grows temperamental and yells at everyone, the pirates use superstition rather than logic to explain his change in behavior. They say that a devil has flown into his "craw". It somehow escapes their notice that Long John keeps grabbing at his jaw in pain. This is a nice little throwback to the times when there were thoughts of sea monsters and ghost ships.

Part of the story involves Long John sparring with a Scottish dentist and all of the cliches surrounding the cheapness and frugality of the Scots is trotted out for this episode. I'm not sure how Scottish folks feel about this, but it occurs to me that this is one of those long-running stereotypes that continues to be used. It probably was no fresher in the 50's when this episode was made than it is now.

Long John cradles a sock full of hot salt next to his aching tooth.

Favorite moments:

Long John yells at Jim and blames him for doing his job badly. As Jim takes Long John's food to toss overboard, he looks genuinely downtrodden.

To soothe his pain, Long John scoops salt into a frying pan and heats it up. He pours the hot salt into a stocking and holds it against his jaw.

Favorite quotes:

Long John to crewmen: "When I order swabbin', swab!"

Long John to Jim: "The hammerin's beatin' so hard... I can feel the pain in the toes of the leg I ain't got!"

Mr. Ross: What good is your money to you without your life?"
Angus MacCallister: "What good is my life to me without my money?"

Long John to MacCallister (a dentist): "I'd rather take this tooth to me grave than give you a penny."

Stray notions:

Jim seems to have never actually had a toothache (though he has one at the start of the episode). When Long John complains about the agony he is in, he says, "but it's just a toothache." Anyone who has ever had a toothache knows that they can be excruciating. My father once got drunk and tried to shoot the tooth that was paining him out of his jaw. Fortunately, my mother stopped him before he blew half of his face off.

Long John's crew seem to have paper thin loyalty as they are willing to mutiny when he gets crabby from his toothache. Yet, they are willing to rescue a couple of British subjects from a heavily-defended Spanish fort on Long John's orders without any promise of reward to themselves. Being ordered to do something that could get them killed is fine by them, but not being bullied about swabbing the deck or putting up with some crabbiness.

Part of this episode involves attacking a Spanish fort, and the set is truly dreadful. It looks like it was made for a high school musical production. As well as cheap set construction served the episode Execution Dock, it undermines the already strained credibility of the action sequence in this episode.

Long John refuses to allow his crew to pull his tooth, but when the dentist pulls it, he says he won't need any pain killers. If he wasn't afraid of pain, why didn't he just let the crew take the tooth out rather than have the dentist do it?

Mold to Gold Rating:

My enjoyment of this episode was probably undermined by the fact that my disc was badly mastered and I watched the last 2/3 without realizing the beginning had been skipped. While I have no doubt that a lot of pettiness and bad behavior occurred on long sea voyages when people were in distress and cooped up together, I think the story just didn't work on the level of Long John troubling himself to rescue a dentist at the risk of his crew's life and his own just to have the tooth pulled by a professional.

The Adventures of Long John Silver: The Pink Pearl

Long John holds the titular pink pearl.

Plot synopsis: A gentleman (Richard Thorpe ) seeking his lost brother comes to Porto Bello and attempts to enlist Long John's help in recovering him. He carries a pink pearl, which he promises Long John is just one of many.

Thoughts:

I couldn't help but think of the Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of Black Pearl when I saw the title of this episode. I imagine pearls figured prominently in many pirate tales. The titular pearl is the bait to get Long John involved in the search for the lost brother as there is the promise of more of these beauties. The "sample" ends up where most everything of value does in old movies when security is an issue, in Purity's cleavage. I couldn't help but think that modern actresses, who are considerably more skeletal than Connie Gilchrist, could hardly hold a pearl safely between their breasts.

I noticed during this episode that every shot of "The Faithful" (Long John's ship) is the same stock footage. Sometimes it's reversed, but usually the ship is sailing to the right side of the screen. Most of the series is shot on sets, but occasionally there is an island or shore-side location shoot. This was one of those times.

In this era of cultural awareness and sensitivity, the portrayal of the natives in this episode is distractingly poor. The native people on the island Long John goes to are portrayed in what would be seen as an offensively racist fashion, particularly in the way they speak English haltingly. The native babe who loves Richard's brother looks surprisingly well-coiffed and made up as well as quite European. Her skin is about 20 shades whiter than the men of the village. She'd also be considered overweight by today's standards.

Favorite moments:

Ironhand, Purity's lackey, sneaks up behind Patch and tries to steal some food from his plate by sticking his hook into it.

The Spanish soldier with a badly-dubbed voice sounds like he's from Texas. The very badly synchronized evil laughter was a highlight, too.

The native woman sneaks the pearls for Long John into a piece of fruit so that he can conceal them from Ironhand, who is acting as Purity's spy on board the ship and would have let her know how much Long John was paid.

Favorite quotes:

Chief: "You say white man friend but white man...go." (the pregnant pause seems ill-placed and amuses me)

Long John to his crew mate: "It be about time to strip down to your pants and get ready".

Richard Thorpe and his very European-looking "native" girlfriend.

Stray notions:

You know from the moment the Euro-native woman lays eyes on Richard that they'll end up together, despite the fact that she is supposedly mourning the loss of his brother. Those native babes just can't resist a white man.

Mold to Gold Rating:

I like episodes where Long John sets sail and head's to some place rather than sitting in Porto Bello squabbling with Purity or getting accused of crimes. Unfortunately, the natives are so badly acted and written and the Spanish so mustache-twirlingly bad that it's hard to have empathy for anyone. This episode was proof that you can succeed with a heavy dose of ham, but only if the actors have the charisma to pull it off. The conclusion is also rather unsatisfying in its brevity and lack of imagination.

The Adventures of Long John Silver: The Eviction

The deliciously foppish Lord Ellington.

Plot synopsis: Lord Ellington, a man of some power in England and a coffee bean plantation owner, pressures governor Henry Strong into closing down the Cask and Anchor, Purity's establishment. Long John must do what he can to get the bar reopened.

Thoughts:

This episode has an interesting introductory sequence added in with Jim Hawkins commenting on his status as a lad of quality being raised in a place like Porto Bello. I'm not sure what motivated this change in the series opening, but I believe it is used in some future episodes as well. Perhaps this was done to make the show seem more like it was geared toward the children. Since my episodes are essentially tossed onto the disc in no discernible order (and I'm missing many of them as they aren't available on DVD), I can't know when this change occurred or if it was only added as padding when the story time came up short.

Purity turns on Long John rather quickly when he fails to convince the governor to allow her to keep the Cask and Anchor open. As Purity falls apart at the loss of her reason to live, Long John fumbles to comfort her and invites her aboard his ship. As can be expected, her typical female influence cramps Long John's shipboard style. Long John says her actions turn the ship into a "hen house." The fact that Purity so often acts on what can be seen the most extreme 1950's housewife behavior is one of the reasons that I find her character so grating. It also makes it hard to understand why Long John bothers to maintain a relationship with her. Granted, he's no prize pig himself, but she's always henpecking him like a starving chicken.

Miss Purity adds touches of "home" to Long John's cabin, much to his dismay.

Favorite moments:

The fop (Lord Ellington) antagonist threatens to shut down Purity's "den of iniquity." He is the epitome of the ridiculous blowhard who acts as a thorn in everyone's side. His wig is askew and he blusters loudly. I don't know why I find the thorough embodiment of a stereotype so gratifying, but I do.

Lord Ellington weakly backhands an underling who he has tied to a chair and admonishes him to call him "m'lord" in the future. It's deliciously played out and works largely because the slap is so lacking in force and Lord Ellington's demeanor so nonthreateningly fey. In modern shows, I'm sure this would have been played out visciously rather than limply.

Favorite quotes:

Purity to guards: "I'll thank you to keep your voice down or I'll tear your tongue out; don't you know when you're addressin' a lady!"

Governor Henry Strong to Lord Ellington: "Perhaps you have a penchant for catastrophes."

Patch to Long John: "A man might as well be in the King's own navy as aboard ship with Ms. Purity there."

Stray notions:

The authorities seem to think they can bust in on anyone anywhere as they charge into Purity's establishment and threaten her.

The governor is far too chummy with Long John on some occasions, and far too harsh at others. I guess pirates have a serious polarizing effect on government officials.

A Spanish conspirator hands money to a man who he thinks is Lord Ellington and says, "here is your blood money." I don't know if that moment would have played so obviously in the 1950's because I don't know when the term "blood money" entered the vernacular, but it seems like comically literal writing.

Mold to Gold Rating:

I'm torn about this episode because I love the way Lord Ellington is played to the hilt, but hate the tidy way in which he is conspiring with the Spanish as an easy out for the story and Miss Purity is such a feminist's nightmare. If an average episode can be seen as a "5", I'm thinking that this deserves a small boost for the fine fop and the addition of a little shipboard pirate action sequence (which is all too rare for this adventure series).

The Adventures of Long John Silver: Execution Dock

Long John frantically asserts that he doesn't want to die as the noose sits around his neck.

Plot synopsis: Long John is sick and while resting, he dreams that he has returned to England to face the Execution Dock for his life of piracy.

Thoughts:

This episode opens with Miss Purity sitting in her tavern peeling potatoes. It struck me as I watched that most video entertainment rarely shows people actually doing practical things anymore. You rarely see someone washing dishes, actively preparing food, making a bed, or vacuuming a floor. Most of the time, the characters are watching T.V., messing around on a computer, or just sitting or standing around talking. If they're eating, you mainly see them consuming take-out food from containers. I'm not sure if this is a reflection of how we live in an age of leisure or not, but I think that the situations in video entertainment play better when people are communicating in something resembling a real life situation.

This episode can be seen as using one of the big contrivances of the video age to tell a story that can't be told within the scope of the show. That is, a dream is used to play out a scenario that could never happen. I'm inclined to be very charitable about this old trope being used since it was a much more youthful trope when this series was made. Also, there's not much of an effort made to masquerade the fact that it must be a dream once Long John reaches England because of the surreal set design, sound effects, and casting choices.

The structure of the episode gives the viewers an opportunity to see a more self-reflective angle on Long John's life than otherwise might be possible. Long John is a relatively simple man who is devious and keeps his feelings about his acts relatively subdued. Those who judge him at trial actually represent Long John's condemnation of himself for his life's work and his protestations are his rationalizations of those actions. It shows that Long John knows on some level that he's using and mistreating some of those who know and love him.

The set design for the trial and execution dock are chillingly brilliant. You have a strong sense that this is what someone like Long John might imagine since he has never seen the real thing and only imagines certain elements. This is a case where cheap set construction worked very effectively.

Long John faces a trial for the misdeeds he has done.

Favorite moments:

While Purity and his pirate's are looking over a sickly Long John, they keep saying his face looks different colors. He says "white, pink, purple, I sound like a flamin' rainbow." Such a line would never get by as a straight one in this day and age; I mean that literally.

Robert Newton, who passed away shortly after this series ended, pounds on the table and insists that "there be 50 good years left in me" and everyone around him shakes a head "no" in turn. Long John responds with a sad and dispirited look and says, "well, 30". I found this very sadly ironic.

Jim Hawkins is a child who explains the pragmatic nature of refraining from smoking, drinking, and excitement to the complaining adult Long John. It's a nice moment as Jim tells Long John that he can go back to his debauched lifestyle if he just abstains for awhile and gets better. It seems like a tender turnabout of the role Long John usually assumes looking after Jim.

Long John writes his will and the collection of items he leaves behind and who he leaves them to is entertaining. In particular, he leaves a shrunken head to one of his crew members saying that it "cures pains in the back."

Favorite quotes:

Long John to Purity: "I've never been sick a day in me life; tis nort but a touch of land-bound fever."

Long John's Doctor to Purity: "He's like a kettle of water left to boil too long. Sooner or later, it explodes."

Purity: "You know there are other things Long John, like the love of a good woman."
Long John: "I don't feel up to that kind of talk."

Stray notions:

All of the officials in Porto Bella are rather foppish, including the doctor who looks after Long John.

Connie Gilchrist, who plays Purity, gets a rare moment of gravity in this episode when she testifies against Long John in the dream sequence. It's good to see her not playing a loud, brash tavern keeper for a change.

The doctor looks deep into Long John's mouth and pronounces him almost completely recovered. That's some diagnostic tool there.

Mold to Gold Rating:

This is considered by many to be not only the best episode of "The Adventures of Long John Silver," but a fairly advanced bit of play writing. I think it would be quite a bit talkier if this sort of episode were written in the modern day, but I'm not so sure that that would make it better.

The Adventures of Long John Silver: The Orphans Christmas

The orphans enjoy a feast in front of a tree full of gifts as Purity and Patch cheer them on.

Plot synopsis: An old widow, Miss Williby, who is bitter around the holidays refuses to allow her orphan charges to enjoy Christmas. Long John, Purity and Jim Hawkins conspire to give the kids a good yule.

Thoughts:

I always find holiday episodes of this type of adventure series rather amusing. They seem to be trying too hard to shoehorn the commercial or sentimental interests of the networks or audience into a place where such things just don't belong. I also find it interesting because there are unabashed touches of Christian culture that you find less and less common in entertainment these days because of a sense that we should be nondenominational.

In the opening sequence, there are Christmas bells shown ringing which are obviously miniature fakes. This is the sort of thing that I get a strange kick out of when watching old movies and television. I think audiences at the time these shows were made didn't even notice this because they weren't accustomed to better quality sets and effects.

There's a preacher in this episode who is supposed to have a foreign accent of some sort. The character takes on the burden of providing back story as to why the children can't enjoy Christmas at the orphanage and playing the role of Santa (which I'm sure Long John would have been doing had he had two legs) . His audio portion is very badly dubbed over for reasons that are lost in the sands of time. It's so badly tracked that it's like watching a Godzilla movie with the Japanese voices dubbed in English.

Miss Williby looks through letters from the man who jilted her so long ago.

Favorite moments:

Purity mocks Miss Williby's snooty accent and demeanor while sitting right across a table from her. Miss Williby responds by saying she won't allow interference from a "tavern keeper" (an occupation she regards with disdain). It's an old battle axe cat fight and it feels so right.

Long John's face when he's talking to Miss Williby seems to be afflicted with some sort of tic-inducing disorder as he seems to be squinting and contorting his face more than usual, which is saying something.

Favorite quotes:

Jim Hawkins to Purity and Long John: "I can't enjoy Christmas. I'm an orphan."

Miss Williby to Purity and the Reverend: "If I consider it proper to use Christmas as an excuse for pagan revelry, I shall do so without your assistance."

Long John to Miss Williby: "Your present for Christmas be golden silence."

Stray notions:

Night-time looks a lot like day when the kids are sneaking out a window. This is in contrast to the fact that it looks nearly pitch black outside from Miss Williby's study window.

The actress who plays Miss Williby reminds me of Bette Davis in both her look and general demeanor.

A Christmas wish made by an orphan always comes true. It helps that the wishes are always humble and related to the behavior of adults who oppress them.

Mold to Gold Rating:

The whole notion of a pirate-based Christmas episode is just a bit too mawkish and the pirates working so hard to do up a proper holiday for the kids lacks verisimilitude. It also is just a tremendous cliche that the mistress of the orphanage is bitter because of a love who deserted her around the holidays in the distant past. That being said, I love the twist on the present-day disposition of her former love that comes at the end. Still, these types of stories are a penny a dozen and it's a long road to the worthwhile ending.

The Adventures of Long John Silver: Pieces of Eight

Jim Hawkins and Long John eat leather.

Plot synopsis: A war tax of 500 gold pieces is levied against all ships and Long John doesn't have the cash to save his ship. After a Spanish deserter shows up and promises to help Long John find Spanish treasure, Long John attempts to find the money he needs to keep his ship, the Faithful.

Thoughts:

Robert Newton's shifty-eyed looks while he's pondering his plan are priceless. You can sense the wheels turning in his head in this over-the-top facial work. The balance struck between the character's buccaneer deviousness and moral core is surprisingly reflected in this sort of theatrical acting.

Unlike "The Necklace", which was done onshore and in buildings (on sets), there are many exterior shots. There is a strange loss of color at certain points during these scenes, but the sense that these are desperate pirates works a lot better when they're stomping through the jungle than when they're sitting in a bar listening to Purity berate Long John.

Long John's affection for Jim is shown very clearly in this episode as he carries him through the jungle when he can no longer walk and nurses him to health after their ordeal. It's not the least bit creepy when Long John has certain tender moments with Jim such as allowing him to rest his head on Long John's chest to sleep. In this day and age, I think it's difficult for a male character to pull that off without overtones of pedophilia. You can see that the scenes are played out without the actors having any notions that it might carry questionable overtones. Often, it's what the actors aren't thinking about in older T.V. and movies that casts their performances in a different color than modern performances.

Favorite moments:

A pirate lackey of Long John's keels over and dies theatrically and instantly because of a snake bite. Long John, ever the sentimental sort, tells another pirate to grab his gun and move on.

Long John serves up leather from his clothing for himself and Jim Hawkins when there is nothing else to eat, and they both apparently consume it.


Long John is shown on the bridge of his ship with the wind blowing in his face, smelling the sea air and relishing it with gusto.

Favorite quotes:

Spanish betrayer to Long John: "My revenge is sweeter than betraying you."

Long John: "A whisper out there on the water tonight will sound like a cannonade."

Long John: "When you're real hungry, a lizard smells and tastes like the best roast Purity ever made."

Stray notions:

The Spanish are portrayed as an extremely jovial lot. They walk around in a large group laughing their heads off.

One of the pirate lackeys is supposed to speak Spanish, but he speaks so incredibly poorly that it's hard to believe that any Spanish speaker might understand him.

Mold to Gold Rating:

The action feels a bit slow, but there is something gratifying in watching the pirate "red shirts" start to drop off one-by-one due to carelessness or stupidity, as you suspect might happen in a real trek through a jungle. Also, there is mystery regarding the intentions of the Spanish betrayer for quite a lot of the episode. This is a solid and enjoyable episode, with a good pirate storyline and more action than some other episodes. It harks back to the Treasure Island movies.

The Adventures of Long John Silver: The Necklace

Purity Pinker holds the titular necklace and questions Long John about its origin.

Plot synopsis: A necklace is stolen from a rich woman. Long John acquires the necklace and is accused of having stolen it and having murdered its owner.

Thoughts:

The dying words of the husband of the murdered woman worked well as part of the story because the setting was pirates and pirate culture. Since pirates are often portrayed as having one leg, one arm, one eye, or one ear due to their scurvy mishaps, such utterances while expiring could only cast suspicion on a wide variety of men in a pirate story.

The audience learns several minutes into the episode that the thief and murderer is a man with one ear. In modern television, a fake sense that Long John might be in jeopardy would be sustained for far longer because modern writers seem to think the viewer is foolish enough to buy the premise that the hero might be guilty. Of course, in some television series, the hero can actually be guilty, but continue to survive unfettered by the consequences of his actions (e.g., Dexter).

Long John and Purity are supposed to have some sort of affectionate relationship with one another, but sentimentality does not get in the way of commerce as Long John asks his lady love to pay for the necklace just before being arrested for the crimes related to the necklace.

Favorite moments:

The bad guy comes on to Purity Pinker and asks her to call him "sweetheart" even though she's a pudgy, middle-aged lady and not some anorexic nymph. He also toasts her beauty when they have a drink together and paws at her.

Long John calls Purity "my pretty bird" and has not a trace of malice toward her despite her holding back on turning in the real killer in an effort to extort him into marrying her.

Favorite quotes:

Mr. Wainwright: "It was a man with one, with one, aaaughhh..."

Purity Pinker: "Swear you're telling the truth, by Jim Hawkins's life."

Stray notions:

The man who gave Long John the necklace was named Sligo. I grew up in a town named Sligo.

Mold to Gold Rating:

Miss Purity is a good character as a foil for Long John and someone who tries to pull him closer to the straight and narrow against his pirate instincts. That being said, she's a bit much in large doses and her manipulation of the circumstances in order to blackmail Long John into marrying her are a bit too cliched even for someone who is as patient with old tropes as me. That being said, the hammily acted ending scene with both Purity and Long John is almost worth it.